I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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