i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
