And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
