i think i have two assholes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
