the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
