I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
