guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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