Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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