Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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