Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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