I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Say something about gay babies.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
