the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
