oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You need Xanax blowdarts
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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