Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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