I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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