You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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