if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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