My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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