New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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