The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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