More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
