She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
