I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
