on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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