you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
