meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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