Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
MIDGETS
????
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Randomize
