dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
and you fell through a lawn chair
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
