She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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