White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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