As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
