U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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