I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
everyone is single if you try hard enough
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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