I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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