I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
not ubering you a puppy
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The air taste purple.
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