Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
