I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
