I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
