If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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