i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
