2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
