His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
