Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
