so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
40s are totally the cure
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
