Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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