apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
