just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
