i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
