tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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