I am puke
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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