NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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