I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
